Stranger Danger

July 21, 2010 at 11:47 pm | Posted in Situations | Leave a comment
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So I had a fantastic experience the other day, and I’d like to share it with the internet. Because the internet needs to know these things, much like how I need to know how Mel Gibson likes to yell at his green card-desiring wife. (I don’t know this to be true, I just wanted to say something crass to amuse myself; I look forward to your letters.)

I happened to be driving near the beach this past weekend with my ladyfriend, and we wound up stuck in traffic on a two-lane highway. We’d just come from a hot-air balloon festival and we were both in pretty good moods, despite the traffic. I decided to whip out the ol’ GPS (I’ll write a blog on how hilariously infuriating GPS’s can be at some point) to see if there was a short cut or alternate route I could take. Being in the right lane, I saw on the GPS that there was a left I could take in order to get out of the vortex of humanity we were in the middle of.

I checked my rear and side view mirrors to see if I could move over, and low and behold I could; the nearest car was a few dozen feet away. So I put on my directional and slowly slid on over. As I started talking to my ladyfriend again, I happen to look in my rear-view mirror, and what do I see?

Continue Reading Stranger Danger…

Hummer Moving Through the Flood Waters in Rhode Island

March 31, 2010 at 3:21 pm | Posted in Situations | Leave a comment
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Also, feel free to view the video I sent in to CNN: http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-427057

That’s what we in the trade call a badass truck.

The Floods of 2010

March 31, 2010 at 2:55 pm | Posted in Situations | 1 Comment
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When I was growing up, my parents told me about the Blizzard of 1978. It snowed nearly an inch an hour for 33 straight hours, and that’s not including the snowdrifts. The winds were as powerful as a category 2 hurricane. It was a harrowing experience. I always wondered if I would ever tell my (eventual) kids about a storm or force of nature I lived through. After this weekend, I can.

Consider this your view into the Floods of 2010.

The Floods of 2010

Panicky Vaudevillian's RI Flood Pic 1

The Northeast was drenched in over a half a foot of rain in less than two days, and that’s not including the leftover rainwater from the previous week, which had coincidentally also been heavier than normal. Yesterday was the worst of it; the rain was so heavy that after only a few seconds of being outside would result in being completely saturated.

Rhode Island was the hardest hit state, as much of the state received over 8 inches of rain. The Pawtuxet and Blackstone Rivers, amongst others, swelled to double their flooding capacity.

Thankfully my residence was not hit hard, though many other southern New Englanders have been devastated by these floods. Below are pictures taken from outside and around the Warwick Mall, the day after the rains fell. This place is very near and dear to my heart. My parents would take me there on summer days when I was younger, and I would walk around and play in the arcade and go to Waldenbooks and just be a kid. In its forty years of history, the mall has never once been flooded; it is now under several feet of water. Hopefully the retailers and those whose livelihoods are linked to the mall can rebuild quickly.

As I sit here and type this, I hear helicopters hovering close by taking stock of the damage. Though the human cost was minimal, the harm done to the lives of many is considerable. Godspeed to those hurt and affected by this deluge.

The Floods of RI claim another victim.

Topps Underwater

Thankfully, this shop had closed down a couple months prior.

Continue Reading The Floods of 2010…

Preserve Us From This Present Generation

March 25, 2010 at 11:12 am | Posted in Situations | Leave a comment
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Howdy my militant conblogatives,

I just want to share with you a little tidbit that happened to me rather recently. It’s about the struggle to be human and those fail to achieve it. Oh hell, no it isn’t. It’s about a couple of snot-nosed assclowns that made me laugh.

So, I’m walking in a downtown metropolitan area with a very pretty lady on my arm. We are on the sidewalk of a main road, enjoying the sunny day when I hear being screamed in our direction: “DUDE! I CAN SEE YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PANTY-LINES!” I don’t even have to turn as I see a large, gun-metal gray Ford pick-up truck drive by with a pubescent, acne-ridden face sticking out of the passenger window smirking at us. I know it’s us he’s referring to because there’s literally no one else around. I’m a bit incredulous at this point, but what can I do? Chase them down? Write down their license plate to stalk them later? Curse them with the malocchio? All of these thoughts crossed my mind as they drove past, but we both decided to ignore them. He looked back at us and was incensed that we hadn’t acknowledged him, so he opted to flip us the middle finger as a his crescendo, his coup de grâce, if you will. His little buddy even slowed down to see if I would acknowledge it. In the end, they drove off wanting.

Now, my ladyfriend took this all in stride; she was more amazed than upset. She did ask me if I could see her panty-lines through her skirt, and I honestly could not. She really did look hot and I couldn’t figure out why these kids wanted to pick on her, and by extension, me. And then it hit me. They were picking on us because it beat picking on themselves.

Not all of the stuff you hear about psychoanalysis is true, but some of it is. Think of the kids you knew in elementary school and high school who were the worst bullies; they had the worst home lives. Their parents were emotional absent or physically abusive; they were lonely with no one to talk to; they were different in ways they couldn’t explain at the time. Judging by the truck, at least one of their daddy’s had money, so that wasn’t the problem. For all they knew, I was going to go home and have wild sex with this very attractive girl while they went to one of their parents’ basements to sneak some beers from one of their absentee fathers, play Call of Duty 18 and reminisce about how badly they embarrassed us.

Imagine this scenario, if you will. I recommend that you think of them all having the voice of the Abominable Snowman from the old Looney Tunes cartoon:

Continue Reading Preserve Us From This Present Generation…

The Dilemma in Central Falls, RI

March 19, 2010 at 10:00 am | Posted in Politics, Ramblings, Situations | Leave a comment
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Sorry for the lack of posts, everyone. And I won’t even make a joke about how everyone = my cat. Dang it, I just did. Alright, let’s move on.

I’ve been mildly interested with the news coming out of Central Falls, Rhode Island lately. If you’re unfamiliar, Central Falls is the mecca of bourgeois lifestyle the smallest town in the smallest state in the union, measuring at about 1.5 miles in diameter. The population of the town is about 18,000 people, making it the most densely populated 1.5 miles in the United States, according to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Small town; big story.

On February 18, 2010, every teacher at the Central Falls High School was summarily fired after a meeting of the Central Falls school Board of Trustees. The vote was 5-2 in favor of their firing. How did this happen? Check this out:

Central Falls has continually turned out some of the worst graduation rates in the country; less than 50% of the students graduate. This year, only 55% of the students were considered proficient in reading, and only 7% (that’s not a typo) were considered proficient in mathematics. New federal guidelines, implemented by Education Secretary Arne Duncan, state that schools that are performing at this level of mediocrity need to do something about it, and they will get federal help in order to facilitate the process. Rhode Island was the first state to apply for new federal funds to fix faltering schools, and they stood to gain $12.4 million, as allocated by the state. According to the Providence Journal, there are four proposed methods to make a school applicable for these funds: “school closure; takeover by a charter or school-management organization; transformation which requires a longer school day, among other changes; and ‘turnaround’ which requires the entire teaching staff be fired and no more than 50 percent rehired in the fall.”

The Superintendent, Frances Gallo, proposed ‘transformation’, which included some guidelines to make the scores and graduation rate go up. Some of the proposals included setting aside one hour a week to tutor kids outside of school time, and having lunch with the kids once a week. Also, their work days would be extended to seven hours (instead of 8AM-2PM, it would become 7:50AM-2:25PM). Also two weeks were to be set aside every summer for ‘educational development’. The teachers apparently agreed to most of the terms, but wanted to be compensated for their extra work.

Continue Reading The Dilemma in Central Falls, RI…

He’s got his whisky, he’s got his briefcase; he’s gonna be alright.

February 4, 2010 at 4:34 pm | Posted in Situations | Leave a comment

If anyone’s ever published anything, or had a large paper or thesis of any kind approved, then you know the joy you feel when it finally reaches completion. When it culminates into fruition. I’m close to completing something that has taken me over three years to complete.

Why so long?

Delays in meeting with the right people; miscommunications; poor timing are just a few of the reasons. I want very desperately to get into the publishing world, and delays are something I should accept if I’m serious about doing it. You can write something that you think is solid gold, but if your editor thinks it’s trite or hackneyed, you’re back to the drawing board. I don’t speak from the fountain of experience, but what very limited experience I do have suggests that the business of publishing is a cash business. They only want what they can sell, and while you may believe you’ve just written the best thing since War & Peace, they don’t want something that will only sell to your family and close friends. You must find a balance between what is good, and what it readable. That is, if you actually want to sell your books.

Alright, before I get on a soapbox (which I promise not to do) I also want to tell you a story. Certainly most people have had similar experiences in their lives. Here’s one for you:

Continue Reading He’s got his whisky, he’s got his briefcase; he’s gonna be alright….

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