The Disappearance of Panicky

December 22, 2010 at 11:57 am | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment

No need to worry, folks. I’ve not disappeared. I’ve just gone into hiding. I’d make a WikiLeaks joke, but I feel it would be in poor taste (read: I don’t want to get branded a traitor without even being an American citizen). Either I’ve gotten too caught up with (insert your favorite video game here), or, I’ve been trekking through the Himalayas with an avuncular, yet slightly perverted, Sherpa. Or I’ve just gotten bored writing on here. Whatever’s correct.

So, fear not! Soon, I shall regale you with things and stories you care not a whit about. Maybe this time, I’ll include pictures, because if you’re anything like me, you have the attention span of a gnat and need visuals to follow along with anything. Stupid Harry Potter books without any moving pictures like in the movies *grumble*.

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Sean Connery Facts

June 3, 2010 at 3:52 pm | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment
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I was moved recently to attempt this particular feat. Which feat, you may ask? Well, if you hang on, I’ll show you. Damn. Why, you may ask? Because I have a lot of free time. Stop asking questions.

I have become slightly obsessed with the Dos Equis commercials involving “The Most Interesting Man in the World.” Yes, they are a little bit of a ripoff of the “Chuck Norris Facts” craze of four or so years ago, but they have a better range. The man who plays The Most Interesting Man in the World (TMIMITW) is Jonathan Goldsmith, and he is also terribly interesting. Having said that, I began to wonder: who else in the world is like this? Who else could stop bullets with his beard, etc. And I realized I’d skipped over an incredibly obvious answer.

Sean Connery.

Yeah, he’s been retired for a few years after the last movie he did (“The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”) got figuratively eviscerated at the box office. And sure, he’s been parodied (very well) by Darrell Hammond on SNL, so it’s not exactly a new trend, butt (tee hee) there’s gold here.

To get you in the mood, I offer you an assortment of YouTube and internet videos (no, YouTube is not the only source of videos on the internet; jeez) before the actual facts:

Continue Reading Sean Connery Facts…

Signs of Aging, or, What the Hell is That Thing on my Face?

May 15, 2010 at 11:43 am | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment
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Greetings, bloggistanis. I have returned from a hiatus of basically nothing interesting to talk about to inform you all that I am getting older. “Panicky,” you may say, “why is this a big deal? Everyone gets older.” Well, if you let me finish, I’ll tell you. Quit getting so uppity in my bidness.

Now, for the purpose of full disclosure, I am in my mid-twenties. This is not old, you may say, and I would have to agree with you. But they say as a man gets older, he loses hair where he wants to keep it and gains it where he doesn’t want it. Basically this means you lose the hair on top of your head and gain it on your back, ass, and probably ear canal, which for the life of me I cannot comprehend why that is necessary. But here is another area that I can give you a prominent example of:

The Angler Fish on my Face

Damn son.

You see? What the hell is that?! Do you see that one eyebrow hair that’s way longer than the rest of them? It looks like a freaking angler fish trying to lure in unsuspecting prey! I should hang tinsel on it for the holidays. Or mistletoe. That’s a better idea. Sidenote: I always wanted a mistletoe belt buckle. But I get the feeling that would give me the unwanted ‘to catch a predator’ look.

But seriously (if anything about this post is serious), that is one freaking long hair. I have no idea how that happens either. Does one hair in my eyebrow say to the rest: “screw you guys, I want a better view,” and he grows an extra inch. Does that mean the rest are going to get jealous and want to follow suit? Am I going to have to actually trim my damn eyebrow hairs to keep them from looking like Jumanji? In my twenties?!

God has a sense of humor. Only sometimes he tells a joke that kinda falls flat. Like long eyebrow hair, or Rod Blagojevich. Seriously, that’s enough Rod.

A Pseudo-Philosophical Look at the NFL Draft

April 23, 2010 at 11:58 am | Posted in NFL, Ramblings | Leave a comment
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Hello my little bloggonians.

I just wanna say something quickly about a weekend that many NFL fans love. Yes, I’m one of those guys who enjoys having beer and pizza with friends during the NFL Draft; it’s one of the only prototypical guy things I do (other than awkwardly buying drinks for girls at seedy bars). Last night, I chilled with an old buddy of mine and played Madden before and after the draft. It was a privates-scratching good time (which, for those of you not in the know, is a good thing).

I just finished reading Peter King’s well-expected article on SI.com on the draft and it made me think. I don’t much care for King, not because he’s bad at his job (quite the opposite), but I can’t stand a guy who absolutely has to throw in his unrelated personal and political opinions into articles that have absolutely nothing to do with them. I don’t care that you like the new health care bill, or that your parents would be proud that America elected Barack Obama. Just stick with what you’re paid to do, would you please? Anyways, other than that, he’s not terrible.

I bring this up because the Jacksonville Jaguars, at pick #10, selected a guy named Tyson Alualu, a defensive tackle, who was not projected to go until the late 1st/early 2nd round. Peter King, and a lot of other people, excoriated the Jaguars for the pick. Sure, they could have traded down and still maybe picked Alualu, no one really knows. But the GM, Gene Smith, defended himself and said “this is not a popularity contest.”

Continue Reading A Pseudo-Philosophical Look at the NFL Draft…

The Caste System of Massachusetts

April 16, 2010 at 2:07 pm | Posted in Ramblings | 3 Comments
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So, is it my imagination, or are my posts disappearing? It must be the steroids.

Sorry my bleeding-heart blogerals. I suppose it’s because I haven’t had anything fascinating to say. I mean I suppose I could blog about things in my life, but my life is so boring. Besides, I’m sure the people in my life wouldn’t want to be blogged about. Although I could give them all nicknames. Yes! That’s it! I can give them all nicknames.

I have nicknames for most people in my mind. Most of them aren’t insulting. Or at least they aren’t intended to be. Yeah, that will work!

So, the other week, I had a wee argument with a friend of mine I shall name Voldemort. That’s a good a name as any for this kid. He’s a buddy of mine, but as buddies often do, we didn’t see eye to eye. As you may have gathered from my previous posts, I have spent a good deal of time in the biggest little state in the union: Rhode Island, and areas surrounding it. It’s a good state with some monumental flaws. But it’s better than being a bad state with monumental flaws. Anyhoo, Voldemort was hating on RI, even though he lived there for 4 years. He’s a Masshole, you see, and like most Massholes, they get their degree of worth from how close they are in proximity to the mothership of Boston.

There’s a system of radii in Massachusetts; there’s actual physical radii if you look at the concentric spheres made by Rt. 95, and then the wider Rt. 495, and then Rts. 395 and 195. My hypothesis is based on the caste system in India, for the ease of use, and not intended to offend anyone (I look forward to your letters):

Continue Reading The Caste System of Massachusetts…

The Dilemma in Central Falls, RI

March 19, 2010 at 10:00 am | Posted in Politics, Ramblings, Situations | Leave a comment
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Sorry for the lack of posts, everyone. And I won’t even make a joke about how everyone = my cat. Dang it, I just did. Alright, let’s move on.

I’ve been mildly interested with the news coming out of Central Falls, Rhode Island lately. If you’re unfamiliar, Central Falls is the mecca of bourgeois lifestyle the smallest town in the smallest state in the union, measuring at about 1.5 miles in diameter. The population of the town is about 18,000 people, making it the most densely populated 1.5 miles in the United States, according to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Small town; big story.

On February 18, 2010, every teacher at the Central Falls High School was summarily fired after a meeting of the Central Falls school Board of Trustees. The vote was 5-2 in favor of their firing. How did this happen? Check this out:

Central Falls has continually turned out some of the worst graduation rates in the country; less than 50% of the students graduate. This year, only 55% of the students were considered proficient in reading, and only 7% (that’s not a typo) were considered proficient in mathematics. New federal guidelines, implemented by Education Secretary Arne Duncan, state that schools that are performing at this level of mediocrity need to do something about it, and they will get federal help in order to facilitate the process. Rhode Island was the first state to apply for new federal funds to fix faltering schools, and they stood to gain $12.4 million, as allocated by the state. According to the Providence Journal, there are four proposed methods to make a school applicable for these funds: “school closure; takeover by a charter or school-management organization; transformation which requires a longer school day, among other changes; and ‘turnaround’ which requires the entire teaching staff be fired and no more than 50 percent rehired in the fall.”

The Superintendent, Frances Gallo, proposed ‘transformation’, which included some guidelines to make the scores and graduation rate go up. Some of the proposals included setting aside one hour a week to tutor kids outside of school time, and having lunch with the kids once a week. Also, their work days would be extended to seven hours (instead of 8AM-2PM, it would become 7:50AM-2:25PM). Also two weeks were to be set aside every summer for ‘educational development’. The teachers apparently agreed to most of the terms, but wanted to be compensated for their extra work.

Continue Reading The Dilemma in Central Falls, RI…

Why Have You Forsaken Me, HP?!

March 4, 2010 at 9:00 pm | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment

Howdy Bloggeristas.

Sorry to all my imaginary friends who’ve been clamoring for an update from your friendly neighborhood panicky vaudevillian. Y’see, it appears I’m the victim of a suicide. As strange and macabre as that sounds, stick with me, my story gets better.

Well actually, it probably doesn’t.

My HP Pavilion laptop, the keeper of all my information, passed away on the evening of March 2nd, 2010 of extreme hard-drive hyperthermia after almost 4 years to the day of my having bought it . Doesn’t that make me sound so gosh-darn smart? Well, it shouldn’t: my laptop had been overheating and shutting off periodically over the past year until it finally broke something permanently. Thankfully, I saved most of my writings, pictures, music and stuff, but unfortunately, none of the planned blog entries. I know I’m a dinosaur to save them on a Word document before actually publishing them on here, but hey… whatever.

So, hopefully I’ll have a new computer in the next week, so until then hang tight everybody. Maybe I’ll throw something up for ya’ll in the next day or two. Or not. Like ya do.

Panicky OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

Re-Reading Gender Issues

February 23, 2010 at 7:00 pm | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment
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I recently re-read a great book called Travels, by the late intellectual novelist, Michael Crichton. In it, he discusses many of his travels throughout the globe during his writing days; his lifestyle is one I can only dream of: writing to finance your travels (you know, schlacking off a bit, but really getting to know yourself). He has one chapter that sticks out as being very didactic, and that chapter is on gender. My views on the subject are basically the same as his (with minor alterations), as he discusses how things have changed since the ‘Sexual Revolution.’

First, a little history: this shift in weltanschauung (or ‘world-view’ for those of you who don’t speak snob) didn’t happen without warning, as some would contend. It had been brewing for decades, and some argue centuries. Examples of it go back to the death of Christian morality during the Enlightenment, the falling out of vogue of Victorian era squeamishness in the late 19th century, and the Roaring Twenties and the advent of Flapper girls.

The culmination of it all was in the 1960s, when women were no longer beholden to their traditional sexual role of submissiveness. It has had palpable effects on American and first-world culture in general: pre-marital sex is now the norm, not an aberration; extra-marital sex, while still painful, is no longer taboo. Contraceptives and prophylactics are used with great frequency to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and when those fail, the termination of that pregnancy through abortion is now an easily exercised option. In light of all this, I present to you that while both genders are now considered equal, men have become the romantics, and women have become the pragmatists.

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The Death of Certainty: Anthropogenic Global Warming in Trouble

February 16, 2010 at 8:15 pm | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment
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Today, class, I want to talk about Anthropogenic Global Warming. I know, you’re saying right now, “Panicky, you know it’s impolite to talk about politics, religion or money in polite conversation, because it always leads to either discomfort or discord.” Either that or you’re saying, “oops, wrong site.” Well two things: first is that it’s my blog, not a polite conversation, so ha. Second is the fact that global warming is a scientific matter, and it isn’t, by nature, a political one. It’s just been picked up by politicians as political. But it’s still science.

Science, in order to be kept respectable and feasible, needs to be transparent and open to scrutiny. Scientific theorems need to be examined closely in order to be made an actual Theory, with a capital T, and eventually Law when considered completely immutable. Therefore, we can assume that the Law of Gravity, the Laws of Thermodynamics and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, for example, have been studied ad nauseum, their data meticulously poured over and objectively tested. This is the nature of the scientific method.

Anthropogenic (man-made) Global Warming, or Climate Change as it has become more popularly called in recent years, is also a scientific theorem. The theorem is roughly this: societal and industrial development has had a deleterious effect on our environment, and is expected to continue until drastic measures are taken to halt this effect.

Anthropogenic Global Warming (or AGW) skeptics have used the recent wintry weather to prove that it is false, the same way Global Warming proponents use hot days in summertime to prove that it is true. But who is right? Here’s the skinny: For years AGW skeptics have been raging on about how climatologists have refused to show all of their data, or open their research to scientific debate. Skeptics have also claimed that they’ve been made to look as fools by the mass media for questioning something that was considered unquestionable. The United Nations’ International Panel on Climate Change stated in 2007 that, by 2035, the Himalayan glaciers would have completely melted, killing millions, perhaps close to a billion. The science was certainly infallible.

Continue Reading The Death of Certainty: Anthropogenic Global Warming in Trouble…

In case of danger, break face.

February 8, 2010 at 8:04 pm | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment

This is just an fyi to all of my adoring fans, (and by “all of my adoring fans,” I mean “all of you who accidentally traveled to this blog via Google while looking for information on the dead but sorely missed art known as vaudeville”) if I don’t actually link to a site when I say I will, or don’t tag something or anything of that nature, rest assured I’m not intentionally trying to steal or copy information from those funnier than me (which, let’s face it, is an awful lot of people). I just don’t know how to do it yet. So I guess that means I do care about blog etiquette to some degree; mainly because I don’t want to get sued or have an anonymous comment left on this post about how I smell like pickles and shame. I directly credit anybody necessary in the blog itself, but until I give up my Luddite tendencies and become “blog savvy,” you’re gonna have to deal with it. Holla.

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