Preserve Us From This Present Generation

March 25, 2010 at 11:12 am | Posted in Situations | Leave a comment
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Howdy my militant conblogatives,

I just want to share with you a little tidbit that happened to me rather recently. It’s about the struggle to be human and those fail to achieve it. Oh hell, no it isn’t. It’s about a couple of snot-nosed assclowns that made me laugh.

So, I’m walking in a downtown metropolitan area with a very pretty lady on my arm. We are on the sidewalk of a main road, enjoying the sunny day when I hear being screamed in our direction: “DUDE! I CAN SEE YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PANTY-LINES!” I don’t even have to turn as I see a large, gun-metal gray Ford pick-up truck drive by with a pubescent, acne-ridden face sticking out of the passenger window smirking at us. I know it’s us he’s referring to because there’s literally no one else around. I’m a bit incredulous at this point, but what can I do? Chase them down? Write down their license plate to stalk them later? Curse them with the malocchio? All of these thoughts crossed my mind as they drove past, but we both decided to ignore them. He looked back at us and was incensed that we hadn’t acknowledged him, so he opted to flip us the middle finger as a his crescendo, his coup de grâce, if you will. His little buddy even slowed down to see if I would acknowledge it. In the end, they drove off wanting.

Now, my ladyfriend took this all in stride; she was more amazed than upset. She did ask me if I could see her panty-lines through her skirt, and I honestly could not. She really did look hot and I couldn’t figure out why these kids wanted to pick on her, and by extension, me. And then it hit me. They were picking on us because it beat picking on themselves.

Not all of the stuff you hear about psychoanalysis is true, but some of it is. Think of the kids you knew in elementary school and high school who were the worst bullies; they had the worst home lives. Their parents were emotional absent or physically abusive; they were lonely with no one to talk to; they were different in ways they couldn’t explain at the time. Judging by the truck, at least one of their daddy’s had money, so that wasn’t the problem. For all they knew, I was going to go home and have wild sex with this very attractive girl while they went to one of their parents’ basements to sneak some beers from one of their absentee fathers, play Call of Duty 18 and reminisce about how badly they embarrassed us.

Imagine this scenario, if you will. I recommend that you think of them all having the voice of the Abominable Snowman from the old Looney Tunes cartoon:

Kid Whose Daddy Doesn’t Love Him (#1): Dude, did you see how I embarrassed that couple in the city?

Kid Whose Mother Has Sex Too Loudly With Strange Men in The Next Room (#2): Yeah, dude, you totally embarrassed them. Their faces were red with embarrassment.

Kid Who Goes into Men’s Locker Rooms and Takes Big Long Sniffs (#3): Dude, I was sitting in the middle and I turned around and saw how you embarrassed them. That was embarrassing.

Kid #2: It must have been so embarrassing for them. I like embarrassing people.

Kid #3: Are you sure you saw her panty-lines? I just saw her ass and it was pretty nice.

Kid #1: I’m telling you dude, they were there. I saw them through her skirt. That is why I embarrassed them.

Kid #3: I know. You probably made their lives hard for them, due to their embarrassment.

Kid #2: I bet their parents don’t love them either.

Kid #1: No. They don’t. No one’s parents love them, it’s how the world works.

Kid #3: My parents love me.

Kid #1: That’s a lie. Now don’t make me embarrass you too.

Kid #3: I’m sorry. You’re right; you embarrassed them because their parents don’t love them.

Kid #1: That’s okay. Now let’s take our pants off and get in a circle.

Kid #2: I’ll get the lotion.

Even though I took some artistic license by giving them added intelligence, the conversation, should they have even had one about it, probably went something like that. My girlfriend and I have been laughing about them ever since, not because we’re mean-spirited people (well, she isn’t), but because the absurdity of their actions can’t be looked at any other way.

I’d like to end with a Jerry Springer “Final Thought,” but you know what? I’m not gonna. I’m gonna go make myself a sandwich instead.

Until next time.

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