Sean Connery Facts

June 3, 2010 at 3:52 pm | Posted in Ramblings | Leave a comment
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I was moved recently to attempt this particular feat. Which feat, you may ask? Well, if you hang on, I’ll show you. Damn. Why, you may ask? Because I have a lot of free time. Stop asking questions.

I have become slightly obsessed with the Dos Equis commercials involving “The Most Interesting Man in the World.” Yes, they are a little bit of a ripoff of the “Chuck Norris Facts” craze of four or so years ago, but they have a better range. The man who plays The Most Interesting Man in the World (TMIMITW) is Jonathan Goldsmith, and he is also terribly interesting. Having said that, I began to wonder: who else in the world is like this? Who else could stop bullets with his beard, etc. And I realized I’d skipped over an incredibly obvious answer.

Sean Connery.

Yeah, he’s been retired for a few years after the last movie he did (“The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”) got figuratively eviscerated at the box office. And sure, he’s been parodied (very well) by Darrell Hammond on SNL, so it’s not exactly a new trend, butt (tee hee) there’s gold here.

To get you in the mood, I offer you an assortment of YouTube and internet videos (no, YouTube is not the only source of videos on the internet; jeez) before the actual facts:

The first is, of course, the iconic impersonation of Sean Connery by Darrell Hammond on SNL: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/14938/.

Another is a parody of Sean Connery, as performed by TV’s Craig Ferguson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rWTi9_fzpw. P.S. Is it my imagination, or is Craig sounding less and less Scottish as time goes on? It must be the hot dogs and apple pie. And good dentistry.

Here is the real Sean, really talking. Yesh. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5c9NiC_rEQ. Start at 0:50 mark for Sean to start talking.

And, of course, Sean Connery on Dame Edna’s talk show. Yeah, it really happened. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ysINNySRAo. The absolute awkwardness of this made me smile.

So, without further adieu, some Sean Connery facts:

The only virgins that exist are the ones Sean Connery hasn’t deflowered yet.

Underneath Sean Connery’s kilt is the Ark of the Covenant. If you touch it, you die. Unless he wants you to touch it. Then you live.

Google asks Sean Connery for answers.

It takes Sean Connery only 1.2 miles to run a marathon.

Sean Connery once turned leftover donuts into haggis for an entire film crew to eat for three weeks. No one dared complain.

Sean Connery once turned wine into scotch at a wedding. Then he slept with every bridesmaid.

Sean Connery wasn’t born. He appeared.

Sean Connery once got so angry he scared the hair right off his head.

Sean Connery’s power does not lie in his beard, it lies in his Scottish-ness. He only grows his beard to taunt Chuck Norris.

Sean Connery lost his virginity before his father did.

Sean Connery completed his bucket list at the age of 8.

Sean Connery once ordered haggis at a McDonalds in Los Angeles. He got it.

Sean Connery can go home again.

Sean Connery died once, but he was brought back to life when he showed Death his ring hand.

Sean Connery is so blunt he could be used to pinch off the broken BP oil pipe, but everyone is too afraid to ask him.

Sean Connery’s first job was a nude male model. There were no survivors.

Sean Connery recently met Darrell Hammond. Have you seen Darrell Hammond lately? Exactly.

Like the Most Interesting Man in the World, Sean Connery’s charm is so contagious, vaccines have been created for it. Unlike the Most Interesting Man in the World, they have yet to work.

“I don’t alwaysh drink beer. But when I do, I prefer Dosh Equish out of the navel of a proshtitute.”

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